OmnipotentChirp

I've been going to movies more often than usual, this being the time of year when better-than-usual movies are playing, and we announce that your heroes James Franco and Anne Hathaway are going to host the Oscars, and I bet you can't waaaait!!  Does anyone even remember anything that came out before September?  I didn't, but NOW I do.

I decided to take stock of my 2010 year in movies by going through this list and writing down all the movies that were released throughout the year that I bothered to go pay exorbitant prices to see on the BIG SCREEN.  Then I wrote brief reviews for each of them based on what I could remember.  It is a lot of words and no pictures.  Does that seem like something you'd like to read?  Does that sound like your cup of dark, bitter tea?  I think I like you.  Click "Read more"!

A literal cup of tea

SHUTTER ISLAND

WHOOAAAAA WHHATT A MINDFUCCCKKKKK, RIIIIGGHHT??  No.  What was going on in this movie?  Was it supposed to be genuinely smart or more of a B movie tribute?  You gotta commit, Scorsese, like Teddy was committed to the criminally insane prison!  Oooorrrr wwwwaaaassss heeeeee?? (Spoiler?)  So yeah, this movie was alright, but should have been better.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND 3D

I disliked this movie less than my friends who I saw this movie with disliked it.  So great job on that, Burton.  I guess I was more or less entertained, though looking back I don't remember anything very good about it.  What I definitely remember and will never forget, and no one will ever forget, is that ridiculously bad dance at the end.  HA HA, nice job, guys!  You must be sooo embarrassed about that, LOL!  Here is a fun poll question!  Which Johnny Depp do you hate more: Mad Hatter or Willy Wonka? 

WINTER'S BONE

KISS KISS!  This was my kiss for Summer Movie Kiss n' Smash 2010.  Remember?  And I was right on.  We talked on the podcast about how a kiss to a movie was also a promise to go see that movie in theaters.  I might have been the only one to hold up that promise, because Peter was just listing off movies that "might or might not be good" which is NOT how you play Kiss n' Smash, PETER!  And I don't know if Tim and Caitlin ever got around to going to see Inception.  I tried to watch Inception on a plane and only lasted about 10 minutes worth of dialogue like, "BUT WE ARE NOT IN YOUR DREAM we are in HIS dream and NOW WE WILL BLOW THINGS UP but NO, PSYCHE we are in the DREAM'S DREAM now WAKE UP!"  Paraphrasing.  You know how sometimes you want to talk about a funny dream you had, but you know that no one else cares unless they were also in the dream?  Christopher Nolan probably calls his friends aaall the time saying, "Oh man, I had the weeeirdest dream last night!" And they roll their eyes, but since it is Hollywood they say, "FAB!  LET'S GREENLIGHT SOME LUNCH AND ESPRESSOS SO I CAN HEAR ALL ABOUT IT."  Just kidding, I've never been to Hollywood.  Is that what it's like?

But Winter's Bone was pretty good.  You should see it.

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT

Of course I liked this movie.  Everyone liked this movie.  I obviously wasn't there when it was being pitched to the producers (see above), but I assume the filmmakers just showed a PowerPoint presentation titled "STUFF EVERYONE LIKES" with separate slides for lesbians, Mark Ruffalo, jokes, teenager struggles, and heartwarming things.  Then the last slide is a pie chart showing how those things will be distributed throughout the movie (I think I listed them in descending order basically), and then the producers all applauded and handed over a giant novelty check for a few million dollars and that was that.

SALT

I thought it was great.  WHATEVER, DON'T JUDGE ME.

THE LAST EXORCISM

I am pretty into demon possession movies.  This one was ok, but all the really intense parts are in the trailer.  So, if you make a movie, and it's a pretty good movie, but it's not the best movie, MAKE SURE the trailer is a little boring.  It can have a couple cool parts; just be sure that it isn't BETTER than the movie.  That way people won't be disappointed.  Because they won't see it until it is streaming on Netflix.  HA HA.

THE TOWN

This movie would have been sooo much better if it were half an hour shorter becuase they took out all the parts where we are supposed to give a shit about Ben Affleck's sad sack character because his motha left him, and life is hard, and Boston, and waaahhhhHHH!  YOU'RE A BANK ROBBER.  ROB THE BANK, JERK.  The bank-robbing parts and car chases and gunfights were pretty good in this movie.  Really, I kind of liked this movie.  What's important to remember though is that this movie is 125 minutes long, and you should really think long and hard before you make a movie outside the generally accpepted 90-120 minute range.  ASK YOURSELF: Does anyone care more about what happens with this movie situation than they care about what they are going to do when the movie is over?  Is it important to develop this particular storyline more, or should I just go ahead and wrap it up?  And if you answer, "Yes, everyone feels bad for the bank robber and they want to make sure he moves on to a better life with a nice girlfriend" then OMG YOU ARE SO WRONG.  STOP MAKING THE MOVIE.  YOU DON'T KNOW ME (the audience) AT ALL!

BURIED

You know how sometimes in movies something horrible will take place off-screen, and people say, "ooohhhh, it is much scarier NOT to see it because of your imaginaaaation!"  Most of the time I think that is total bullshit.  What, THIS imagination?  I'm thinking about what to have for dinner.  Just show what's happening, bro!  But in this case, it is much, much scarier to think about the movie than to actually see it.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

I was super excited about seeing this one, I admit.  But when a movie has so much hype, it either needs to be really awesome, or you have to hate it enough to rage at people about how the world is upside-down and EVERYONE IS WRONG!  Otherwise, what the hell do you do??  Or as my friend Osato so eloquently said, "so the movie was not as bad as i wanted...but still not as amazing as i would thought."  TRUE.  It really wasn't bad, unless you're talking specifically about the terrible soundtrack that kept playing inappropriately loud and ominously.  That aspect was definitely bad.  Besides that it was ok, but not nearly good enough to make up for having to listen to everyone talk about Mark Zuckerberg all damn year.

127 HOURS

This movie was SO GOOD.

BLACK SWAN

I heard a couple people after this movie talking about how they were "REALLY DISAPPOINTED."  I thought that was weird, because this movie is exactly what the trailer promises it will be.  Did you not watch the trailer?  Did you want a more realistic portrayal of ballet dancing?  Then go watch The Company, IF YOU CAN STAY AWAKE.  Black Swan was fun, creepy, engaging, and maybe a little corny and ridiculous.  Everything I hoped for!

TRON: LEGACY 3D

I was not excited to see this, but for the first 15 minutes or so I thought maybe it would be pretty good after all.  There are some cool scenes where the main dude is riding around on a Ducati and sneaking into a building to give away a free operating system that apparently is just like the old one but costs more!  DAMN THE MAN!  Then he goes BASE jumping off the building.  All that was some 3D fun.  Then pretty soon they get inside the video game land and I would rather watch a friend beat Super Mario Bros. on original NES while I wait my turn as Luigi for 2 hours.

THE ILLUSIONIST

zzzZZZZzzzZZZZZZzzzzz

TRUE GRIT

This was my favorite.

THE FIGHTER

This movie was solid like a Micky Ward punch to the kidney!  HA HA, someone write me a paycheck and slap that on the DVD box!  The actors did a good job acting in this movie.  There are a lot of ladies with scary 90s hair.  There is also boxing and meth-smoking.  So if you like Intervention and boxing movies and the 90s, this is probably a good movie for you to see.

HONORABLE MENTION: NEVER LET ME GO

I was looking forward to seeing this movie months before it came out, and I never went to see it, and I still haven't seen it, and I'm still annoyed with myself about it.  >:[

OK, that was my year in the theater!  Are you still reading?  Aw, that's so sweet.  What did YOU see this year??  What do you wish you hadn't?  DO TELL!