Home › Blogs › tushfestival's blog

THE MODERN ATTENTION SPAN: A Study

tushfestival's picture
Wed, 01/05/2011 - 11:09 — tushfestival

People like to talk about how the Internet is so distracting, and it's so hard to get anything done, or read a whole article, or reply to an email, when there is so much to CLICK ON.  But what is everyone looking at?  (SPOILER: This is not going to be a porn joke, so if you wanted that, I'm sorry.)  Until now we could only guess, but last night I decided to watch a movie.  I've chronicled the process in the interest of SCIENCE and in order to shed some light on what we do online.  This is just one experience, but I believe it is fairly universal.  Maybe you (the scientist) can include this as evidence in a paper you are writing about how the Internet has ruined everyone's attention span, although if you ARE writing that paper, I must respectfully disagree with your conclusion and would argue that it still would take longer to go to Blockbuster.  Also, I would probably think you're a jerk if we met.  But nevermind that.  Here is your step-by-step guide on how to watch a movie in 2011.  Read on if you think you can get through it without checking your Facebook page!

netflix advice

Tip: Netflix knows what you will hate.

1. It's getting late.  You've been productive enough for one day.  Maybe you should watch a movie?  Check your Netflix instant queue!


2. Aliens: Collector's Edition has been there a while.  Want to watch it?  WAIT.  Collector's Edition??  This is 137 minutes!  OH NO.  Did James Cameron add boring scenes that no one had to suffer through in theaters?  I don't want that!  Give me the theatrical release!  Is there another version?*


3. You search Netflix for Aliens.  You find this:

amazing aliensWhaaaaat is THAT??

4. You should definitely try to find some Amazing Aliens videos on YouTube.  There don't seem to be any.  HOW CAN THIS BE??  But you do find this:

5. You're a little creeped out.  Should you click on some of those links?  You should probably click at least one of those links.  You should Google "Decide Whether We Should Show Up." 

6.  Hey, cool site.  You can tell it is true because it looks VERY 90s, and no one lied on the Internet yet back then.  So, is there a poll or something?  There's no poll.  Where do you express your thoughts on whether they should show up?  Man, there's a lot of text here.  So, the aliens actually wrote this?  Did they just sign up for a Geocities account or where did they even use the computer to make this?

7. Now you pause to consider your life, the choices you've made, the important or not-important things you are doing.  Maybe you should be looking into these alien web sites more.  You have time.  What else are you doing? Not performing brain surgery tomorrow or anything.  Wow, there is so much stuff on the Internet.  What is the Orion Project?  I don't know, it sounds really sciencey.  Go back to the aliens.  This is heavy stuff.  Whoa.  Wow.  Should you be dedicating your life to this, at least a little bit, maybe just casually? 

8. No, fuck that.

9. Are there REALLY no Amazing Aliens videos online?  I mean, BESIDES whoever this guy is posting "tributes" to music he likes featuring the Amazing Aliens characters:

Or IS that what's going on?  For all you know those ARE clips from the actual video (TV show? movie? short film?), Amazing Aliens.  The site is down.  Rodan Pictures doesn't seem to exist any more.  Give up!  You will never know the truth!

10. Ok, time to get serious.  Speaking of conspiracies, what about Contact?  You've never seen Contact, and let's face it, you'd probably like it.  You should check to see if it is streaming on Netflix.  It is! and you're kind of in the mood for it now. 

11. WAIT, 149 minutes??  THIS IS LONGER THAN ALIENS: COLLECTOR'S EDITION.  What are you gonna do, stay up all night? You don't have time for this! DAAMMNNNNNN. 

12. Oh well, just add it to the queue. Oh, hello, related movies.  Netflix thinks maybe you would also like Moon, and you probably would, and you have been meaning to watch it for a while, and it is only 97 minutes. HOORAY!  So you watch Moon!

13.  Just kidding.  You browse YouTube videos about UFOs for a few more minutes.

14.  Then you watch Moon.

THE END

*No.  Aliens is just a really long movie.  I'm embarrassed that I didn't already know that and didn't think to check at the time, but I was too panicked by the possibility of watching superfluous scenes.